Other than your uncanny ability to make women feel like they’re about to get molested, the only noteworthy thing about your personality is that you’re a full grown man who watches pony cartoons, and you cling to it like a fly on a fresh pile of dog crap. All of your other personality traits go unnoticed like a homeless guy’s corpse in the middle of a busy intersection but it’s better than nothing I guess.
9.) You identify with Derpy on an intellectual level
Your hand eye coordination is reminiscent of Michael J. Fox trying to solder a circuit board, and the googly crossed-eyes you inherited are an unfortunate by-product of inbreeding for which you can thank your two cousins. After high school you earned your degree in picking shit out of your hair and eating it and currently work as a professional waste of skin, sucking as much money out of the government as possible. Derpy gives you a glimmer of hope and makes you feel like even the most unwanted, socially rejected mongoloids have a place in society. *hug*
8.) My Little Pony keeps neighborhood kids in your bedroom during sleepovers
Some may call you an entrepreneur for cornering the ‘free babysitting’ market on Craigslist and if society has learned anything from Michael Jackson, it’s that it’s totally cool to let other people’s kids sleep in your bed. To help make the little rascals feel more comfortable you read them stories and play My Little Pony re-runs to keep them entertained until the tranquilizers you put in their fun snacks kick in.
7.) The show unites other lonely weirdos
Unfortunately there’s no official message board, meet and greet or convention for sexually inactive men (who are definitely not gay *wink*) to take part in, so the only logical option would be to unite as one under the guise of an innocent tv show meant for little girls and overwhelm the internet with your eerie presence. Now you can get together online or in real life and compare notes on not showering, preserving your virginity (mint condition, still in box) and other depressing activities you’ve excelled at over the years.
6.) You enjoy embarrassing your family
The scars will probably never heal from the time your step-dad drank a flat of beer on your 10th birthday and did show-and-tell with his misshapen penis for your horrified friends, or when you walked in on your older sister playing ‘hide the wine bottle’ with a webcam. The only revenge you could muster later in life was posting pictures of yourself brushing the hair of pony dolls on Facebook and publicly blaming all your mental deformities on them.
5.) Your pastor thinks everything else is too violent
Being raised under the protective umbrella of Jesus has made you more sensitive than my wife after I pawned off our wedding rings to buy beer and smokes (seriously, let it go already). If there’s one thing church is good for it’s making sure you aren’t exposed to anything fun or interesting and My Little Pony is one of the few things that hasn’t been labeled witchcraft and won’t give you nightmares. In other news, you’re thirty years old and God isn’t real.
4.) Pinkie Pie was your prison name
Being passed around in jail like a chew toy at a dog shelter was the most memorable experience of your life but somehow the nickname Pinkie Pie stuck with you after all these years. Everytime you see an episode of My Little Pony it tugs at your heartstrings and reminds you of those cold nights wrapped in the loving arms of Tyrone as he nibbled on your ear with his few remaining teeth.
3.) My Little Pony makes your penis hard
Some guys like to watch junky prostitutes get pounded by an entire football team. Others are into German Shepherds, midgets and old women. I can respect that. The only thing that really melts your butter is a glob of moisturizer and cartoon ponies demonstrating the valuable life lessons that most of us learned in kindergarten. The mountainous pile of crusty Kleenexes and socks you and your brony buddies have accumulated from the first two seasons of the show has collected enough bacteria to kill a horse.
2.) Sponge Bob Square Pants isn’t quite gay enough
That chattering underwater sponge, high on god-knows-what kind of street drugs was fun for a while but you needed something that really expressed your love for men. My Little Pony answered the bell on every level and you have now found true happiness as one of Equestria’s loyal manservants in a sparkly world of rainbows and ponies.
1.) My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic makes you happy
From AppleJack to Rainbow Dash, you love them all equally and are not scared of what these hate mongering naysayers might think about your abnormal interests because ponies make you smile and that’s all that matters. The show is so good that you’ve thrown all common sense out the window and frolic hand in hand with other guys suffering from the same post traumatic symptoms of seeing their parents’ vacation sex video or getting talked into playing ‘Dungeons and Dragons and Rape’ (patent pending) in your uncle’s basement when you were 13. My Little Pony symbolizes a new era for men who can live in an asexual world without fearing women or personal hygiene. Stand proud, Brony dudes.
